Matthew Fleischer

We’re fucking doomed.

Buy land in Montana. Better yet Canada. This country is not a serious place.

A wonderful thing happened last night. Los Angeles went for a walk.

At ten o’clock last night the sidewalks were packed — young, old, infant, canine. People were everywhere. I’ve now lived in this city for a year and a half and I’ve never seen anything like it. Kids were playing on every street corner. Neighbors I never knew I had said “hello.” A hot, twenty-something Korean girl lives up the street — I had no idea.

The neighborhood was out. And all it took was the greatest collapse in NBA history. The Lakers blew it — and devastated fans took to the streets to walk off their anguish.

Global warming, high gas prices, environmental consciousness or the promise of physical fitness can’t get Angelenos walking — maybe we just need more collective trauma. Imagine what this city would look like if the only thing on television was Game 4 of the NBA Finals, on a loop, over and over. People would be everywhere. It would be like Mardi Gras — everyone out in the streets, drowning their sorrows.

I hereby propose Proposition Game 4 — granting the FCC the authority to take over the Los Angeles airwaves to rebroadcast, ad infinitum, the Lakers historic collapse.

Who’s with me?

Oh yeah, this suggestion has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m a Celtics fan. Go Celtics!

Wanna get a huge advance on a book? It’s easy — first pretend you’re Indian, then plagiarize Sherman Alexie. It’s happened twice already — that we know of. You could be next. Just grow your hair long, dye it black, pull it in a ponytail and say “enit” a lot. If anyone asks about your background, call them racist. Oh yeah, mystic tan helps too.

You think I’m kidding, but folks like this are out there — and they’re keeping Sherman awake at night.

Did anyone else see Bill Maher’s anti-antibiotics rant on his HBO show this past weekend? Or was it a pro-biotics rant…? Stupid double negatives. Anyway, according to Bill, his dietary regimen (he doesn’t specify exactly what he’s eating, other than the fact it lacks pesticides) renders him immune to bacterial infection. Anti-biotics are a quick fix for a poorly trained body and are largely a conspiracy of drug manufacturers. If Bill goes to India and drinks from the Ganges or flies on a plane alongside several hacking, Bronchitis laden passengers he won’t get sick because his body is properly trained and cared for.

Now I’m a Bill Maher fan and even when I disagree with him I usually understand where he’s coming from. But this shit was ex-girlfriend crazy. I’m pretty sure farmers in medieval England were exercising regularly and eating an all organic diet filled with whole grains and omega 3s and whatnot — they still got the fucking plague.

I subscribe to the “Green Revolution” as an organizational principle because I think it’s the only way to prevent widespread environmental catastrophe and subsequent societal collapse (a la Jared Diamond). But to tacitly equate the organic movement with a vague vision of Ponce de Leon’s fountain of youth is insane.

Bill’s argument was so irrational, yet completely sincere — Huckabee-esque, or even slightly Cruise-like — that it was actually uncomfortable to watch. The entire audience went silent and his four-member panel sat in shock staring at him before finally starting to make fun. Bob Costas called him a Christian Scientist and you could practically see PJ O’Rourke kicking Maher under the table, trying to snap him out of his trance, before he finally gave up and said: “This show is taking a really strange turn.”

Below, starting at around the 30 second mark, you can watch part of the exchange, or you can download the complete Quicktime file here.

Here’s my latest L.A. Weekly feature for anyone curious.  I won’t tell you what it’s about — just that it’s got urine drinking.

Anyone who read this blog back when I actually used to post knows that I’m a huge admirer of Rolling Stone political correspondent Matt Taibbi. Some might even call it mancrush — I’m fine with that. Anyway, I interviewed him when I was in New York last month and found him just as insightful, irreverent and hilarious in person as he is in his columns. Check it out.

My favorite exchange:

In the past you’ve been loathe to equate American corruption with what goes on in Russia. Have we finally reached that point?

When you’re talking about sending $10 billion in cash to Iraq, and eight and a half billion goes missing — for the Russians it might be nine and a half — but we’re close. I once saw an interview with Ike Turner where they asked him, “People have said you’ve spent $17 million on cocaine over the years, is that true?” And Ike said, “17 million? That’s ridiculous — maybe 11 million.” It’s kind of like that.

Decide for yourselves.

Peanuts by Bukowski

I may be the laziest blogger ever, but you can’t deny this is great.

This too:

And here’s some food for thought too.

Hey, maybe I am a good blogger. Two video clips and a link — all I need is a shot of Jessica Alba in a bikini. You know what…why not?

A recent interview I did with Nigerian Afro-beat superstar Femi Kuti is getting some attention across the blogosphere. Much love to Daniel Hernandez for getting the ball rolling.

Shot at 2007-07-24